A Blink of Sleep

Words from Mama B: 

One thing people will frequently ask is, "does Oliver sleep through the night?" Depending on the person, I sometimes laugh, lie or feel like crying! Ha! The truth to the answer of this question is no. At nineteen months, Oliver still does not STTN. Is it hard? Am I tired? Yes. Would I have it any other way? No.

How do I do it with being sleep deprived? I get asked this question a lot, so I will try and answer best I know how:

I love being Oliver's mama. I also love Oliver's daddy. My husband is a huge help! Since I am the one who feeds Oliver, my dear husband has taken on the role to bathe Oliver. Many friends who breastfeed, are worried that their husbands won't be able to help out with the baby. However, there are lots of ways for all dads to help! In order for you to get the most "rest," let him! Trust me, your husband is not going to break the baby.

We all know I am a big fan of the family bed. Jacob and I bought a king size bed just for Oli! Lucky kid, eh?!? It came to the point that we didn't care if Oliver slept on the roof, as long as the kid slept. So, he sleeps in our bed. We have many people ask us all sorts of questions about this and they really just don't understand how it's possible. Western culture puts babies in cribs, but the rest of the world, I can assure you, sleeps with their babies. Did you know China has the lowest SIDS rates, and the highest family bed rates? Oliver sleeps much better when he is in bed with us, so that's where he sleeps! Pretty simple :)

So how do you get more sleep? How do we function as mothers? We look to our babies to see their patterns. Oliver was a cat napper; he would sleep thirty minutes and not a moment longer. Not even a minute. I could time him down to the very second! He would take these thirty minute naps every 1 1/2 hours. So, I knew every 1 1/2 hours I would have a thirty minute break to take a shower, or do laundry, or sit on the couch and veg, whatever. Trying to schedule Oliver racked my brain and I had to realize this was just not my baby. Once I started following his cues, we were both much happier. 


Nighttime sleep. Many nights, I saw the clock every single hour. Why did I look? I'm not so sure. I think sometimes I would hope that maybe two, even three hours had past before his last feeding. Most of the time, not a single hour had passed. Yes this was hard, but I was his Mama and this was the choice I made. Oliver didn't ask to be born, he didn't ask me to breastfeed him. This was my choice and this was my baby who needed me, not just when the sun was out, but during Mr. Golden Moon's reign too. I sucked it up. Now at 19 months, I can say it does get easier, every day get a little bit easier. Oliver still sometimes wakes two to three times a night, but I just remember this was my choice and still is my choice. I wouldn't change that for anything.


If your baby doesn't seem to like lying down, then make your life easier and do what works best for your baby.  Let them sleep where they seem comfortable (but make sure it's safe). Some babies need to swing, some babies prefer the sling, some enjoy stroller rides. Do what works and don't feel guilty or pressured to do things the way others think you should.

Speaking of guilt--don't allow others to guilt you into things. If I had a penny for everyone who said just let him CIO, I would be rich! Everyone would jib-jab about how their baby sleeps all night and they get SO much rest and their baby never comes into their bed. Bull crap. If anyone has ever told you their baby has never came into bed, they are probably lying! Do what you feel is right and don't worry about what anyone else thinks! Remember it's your baby, all they need is your love mama.

So for all the mama's with 'wee bits', tired beyond belief, we know its hard and we know your tired--you CAN do this. Soon your little baby won't need you the way they do now. Eventually, you will miss those late night feedings and cuddling. They grow so fast so try to enjoy every moment. Be encouraged because there is hope. I'm going to add some links below so you can do your own research. Don't feel alone, get connections, be informed. Your an awesome mama! Keep on loving your babe!

http://www.askdrsears.com/topics/sleep-problems/8-infant-sleep-facts-every-parent-should-know

http://www.kellymom.com/parenting/sleep/sleepstudies.html

Hold On Love. (Umma Nelly)

Excuse me for the vulgarity in this current blog. However, I want to show you the raw emotion and be as real as possible. I think you'll understand why I chose to share these words with you.


A little over two years ago, I was sitting in a high risk doctor's office with my mother-in-law. I was almost 8 months pregnant with my firstborn, Israel Nathaniel, and we were waiting for my appointment with an ultrasound technician. My original OB/GYN sent me to have a closer look at my son's heart because they couldn't see all four chambers of my son's heart at my ultrasound.  I wasn't really worried, because we saw them at my first ultrasound, and I thought they were just being overly cautious. I was more excited than worried, because this was going to give me another chance to see my precious boy! 


Little did I know that my whole world was going to change.... I can remember it all. I can even remember looking at the technician's pictures of her daughter. She was ever so sweet to us and was very patient and you could sense the spirit of gentleness about her. I even remember the doctor, who had to deliver the "news" to us. I remember how he tried his best to address this situation and how he was careful with his words, but he didn't hide the seriousness of my boy's condition. My sweet son, Israel, was diagnosed with Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome, which means the left side of the heart is underdeveloped. 


I could barely breathe as the doctor tried to explain the risks and everything that comes along with this heart congenital defect. His words were literally going in one year and out the other, because I could barely take everything in at this very moment. I remember riding over quickly to another heart specialist, and trying to soak more of this information in my mind. I remember my sister calling from the hospital--she just had her baby girl, Jenna--and asking about the appointment. I remember bawling my eyes out and trying to explain everything to my mother and my sister. I remember trying to remain calm as I had my husband meet me at Chick-Fil-A to grab lunch and then having to tell him the terrible news. I remember how it didn't really hit home with my husband until we arrived home. I remember it all...I remember how this perfect pregnancy changed all from one ultrasound. 


Did I love my boy any less? ABSOLUTELY NOT! I loved him even more and continued to pray harder and kept asking God for a miracle. I remember gathering everyone, friends, family, to literally get on their knees and pray like they have never before. 


I had to go to more doctor appointments, see more specialists. I had to put my internship on hold, so I could focus on my son and make sure I didn't add any stress that I didn't need. I remember my last regular OB/GYN doctor's appointment. Oh, do I remember this one... It was my last appointment because I was going to have to switch to a High Risk OB because I was going to deliver in Gainesville at Shand's. It was one of the best hospitals to deal with my son's heart condition. I finally met the OB because he never came to any other appointments because of how many patients he had under his care. I remember thinking he was very sweet, but walking away, thinking he was complete douche bag. Yes, I said douche bag.Why? Because as the nurse practitioner was listening to the my son's heartbeat, I had to listen to him say that my son was probably not going to make it. I left the office crying and holding my stomach and immediately called my mother. He had no hope for my son. From then on out, I was completely determined to bring my son to his office and tell him that there is a living God who saved my son. 


My c-section was set for July 14th, 2009. My parents flew from Ohio and stayed with us until the very end. I remember staying at the Country Inn Suites and being bummed out that I couldn't join them for the free Continental Breakfast because I wasn't allowed to eat. I even remember how I couldn't sleep the night before, because I was so excited to finally meet my son. 


My delivery went perfect. I screamed for joy when my son was born. I think all the staff was shocked because I was so excited to see my son. I couldn't stop exclaiming, "I'm okay! I'm okay! My son is so beautiful!" I was completely in-love with Israel. My OR was filled with doctors and different staff to prepare for this event. I kept wishing they would move away so I could see my son. I didn't want to take my eyes off of him. I even told my husband to get as close as possible, so Israel knew we were not far behind. 


To see your own flesh and blood be born before your eyes, there is nothing like it. Nothing. As I am writing these words, I can't help but think of how amazing I felt inside. I was in complete awe.

He was praying when he was born.
It was like he was saying, "God please be with my parents and help them to get through all of this."

Look at this beauty.

I will remember how I had to wait hours just to see my son. I will remember the determination and the strength I pulled from God to see him. I wasn't allowed until I could stand up without feeling dizzy. With every ounce of strength, I made sure the nurse didn't see the struggle in my face. I hid it all just to see him. Never question or doubt a mother's strength when it comes to her children. Never. 

This is the first time I got to spend time with him.
 I wasn't allowed to spend the night with him,
but you better believe that I begged.

Everything happened so fast. The first surgery, I thought I was going to lose him. One of the doctors came in and gave us an update about how he was struggling. I couldn't control my crying and the doctor looked highly agitated and mumbled something to me. I never saw him again, but it's a good thing I didn't because I would have literally punched him. After he left, my Aunt Carole reassured me that I could cry if I wanted too. And so I did. I cried and also screamed to God to please let my boy live. 


My son survived his first surgery, but the surgeon came out and you could see his true empathy. You could see that he even prayed for my son. You could see all the emotion inside of him. God blessed us with one of the best surgeons...


My son was put on the heart transplant list, immediately. He also went on a machine known as "ECMO" which basically acts as your lungs and heart. Every day was a constant battle. Every day, I whispered into my son's ear and begged him to fight for his life. I told him of how I had everything waiting for him. I wanted to bring my son home. 

My little fighter.

It's been two years since Israel went to rest in the arms of Jesus. I can still remember his last day with us and how everything felt so surreal. I even remember waking up, not knowing what the day was going to hold for us. I can still hear the PICU social worker banging on the door to the little Ronald McDonald waiting room, to wake us up. I thought it was the cleaning lady trying to get inside to  fulfill her daily duties. I was highly annoyed and tried to ignore it. However, the banging was persistent and Matt finally woke up and realized it was our social worker. She exclaimed how the doctors wanted to meet with us and to give them permission to do a head scan because his vital signs were going down. I was still in a haze, but we rushed over to the meeting room and this is where it all began.


They took Israel to get a head scan and I was sent for some blood work that would help them determine a few things with Israel. While Matthew and I were waiting for the results, we didn't know that our son was in one of his most fragile states. We were just spending time with our son, and keeping our family that was with us, updated. I knew my son's kidneys were starting to fail since he wasn't having any urine output, but I kept praying and rubbing his little head. 


When the doctors came back with the results, I could see their grim faces. I still held onto hope as we walked together into the conference room. More doctors came that I didn't even recognize and I felt sick to my stomach. I still held out for the miracle. The words that started to come out of our doctors mouths, about taking our son off of the heart transplant list and nothing they could do, my head started to spin. I wanted to collapse. I wanted to punch a wall. I wanted to run. I wanted to hide. Instead, I screamed for God to just simply heal my son. I begged and begged for a miracle. I didn't care what the doctors thought, I just kept screaming for God to literally come down from Heaven and do something. I wasn't ready for my son to go to Heaven. It was just too soon. 


I remember my mother holding me and telling me, "Maybe he saw the angels and how life here couldn't compare". I knew he deserved to be Heaven, but I wanted so desperately just another day with him. We walked numbly to Israel's room, and knew this was our last day with our son. We had to take him off life support and allow him to find healing in Heaven. I kept telling my son how much I loved him. I kept whispering into his ear and tried to sing, "you are my sunshine" one more time. I held onto every second, every minute, every hour that we were given with him. 


A PICU social worker came in the room, while we were holding onto our son and continued to pray for God to heal our son and let His glory be revealed. We never met this one before, and I will never forget her because I wanted to punch her in the damn face. She asked us about our son's funeral plans and I thought I was going to go crazy on her. Really? Could she have been any more insensitive? 


After she left, I saw the ECMO nurse turning her back to us as she was sobbing. My heart really went out to her, because of the emotion she was sharing with us. She was also pregnant, and I could only imagine what she was thinking. I am ever so thankful for her because she helped us put together a memory box as we were saying our good-byes to our son. 


From the day Israel was born, I kept wondering and even asking when I was going to be able to hold him. My heart was yearning to hold him against my chest and let him find comfort in hearing my heartbeat against his. I never thought I would have to wait till his last day on earth to hold him. I remember them placing him in my arms, as he was still attached to the ECMO machine and everything else. It took a whole team of nurses to make this moment happen. When they placed him in my arms, I kept sobbing and sobbing. I held him as best as I could, and I found so much joy when he opened his eyes one more time, just for...me, his mother. If I could, I would have held him for days and not even move a muscle. I wanted Matthew to have his chance to hold him before anything could happened. I didn't want to end this precious moment, but I had too. I could see the pain in my husbands eyes and it broke my heart even more as I watched him grieve over his son. 


I held him one more time, before I had to let him go back to the doctors. I started to feel more at peace, because I had to tell myself that his time with suffering was over. Completely over. No more surgeries, no more poking and prodding. Nothing.

Matthew and I made the decision to not watch the doctors take him off life support. We didn't know how we would handle it, and we didn't know if we wanted that type of a memory with us. We took a little walk, as my family waited outside his door. I knew he wasn't alone...my mother bared enough strength to watch everything take place. She said they were gentle and it was peaceful... I am grateful that someone did watch the doctors, because now I know my son was in good hands.

Matthew and I walked outside and sat by the Chick-Fil-A. The night sky was filled with stars and everything was quiet. It gave us time to really pray and seek God as we were filled with such grief. It gave us time to hold onto each other. It gave us time to be away from everything and just be still. My son went to Heaven on such a beautiful night...


More family and friends were waiting for us, when we came back. I didn't know what to even say to them. My whole life was shattered... 


We were given a little more time to hold our son without any tubes or machines hooked up to him. I was in awe to stare at his face, free of all the wires and tubes. It was hard to bare the fact that he was already in Heaven, but I couldn't believe how beautiful he was without any of the machines connected to him. I held him close and I just didn't want to let him go... Matthew and I held him and even walked him to the dreadful morgue. One of our favorite nurses even came with us, just to give us some support. Another nurse came just to help along... I will never forget giving him one more kiss and saying good-bye. I will never forget handing him off the officer and never being able to see him on Earth....


Matthew and I were never the same after losing our most precious gifts, our son. 


I was never mad at God for not answering our prayers the way we wanted Him too. I was mad at people. I was mad at mothers, who drink and do drugs during their pregnancy, and gave birth to a perfect baby. I was mad at the teen moms, who didn't even really want the   baby, but their baby was PERFECT. Damn it. I did everything right, what the hell? Sometimes, I watch people who ignore their children, because they think they have something better to do. If only they knew how quickly everything could change in just one second... I really hate it when people take their kids for granted...


While I was it the hospital, I lived off of Wendy's and Subway. It took me almost a full year before I even stepped in a Wendy's, again. I could barely listen to certain songs that I sung to Israel. I still have a hard time listening to some songs on the radio, because it just hurts too much. Last night, I bawled my eyes out to Natalie Grant's song, "Held," as it played on the radio. However, "this is what it means to be held" by God's love. He helps you to bare with the sudden grief. He showers you with mercies and love and grace to just get through the day. We are still filled with grief, but you learn to live with it. You learn to not let it overcome who you are and what you are meant to do in your life. 

I wanted to write this blog to help people, who come across friends or family, that have lost a child. I wanted to write this to help those who never went through such a tragic loss to understand how we feel. I wanted to write this to help you understand what you should do and what you shouldn't do.

I dedicate the following words to all my fellow mothers (and fathers) who lost a child. I dedicate this to my son, because he taught me so much while he was with us. I dedicate this to our God, because He brought us a healing.

Please remember these words carefully...

TRY NOT TO SAY, "I'M SORRY".

I wanted to rip those three words out of the English dictionary. I never wanted to hear them again. Try to say something else like "my heart grieves for you". Sometimes, it is better to not even say a word, but hold them as they cry out for their child.

DON'T TRY TO GIVE THEM A THEOLOGICAL REASON WHY THEIR CHILD ISN'T WITH THEM.

I know most of you meant well, but your theological reasoning hurt more than you'll ever understand. Sometimes, it just didn't make any sense. Sometimes, I hoped that you were really wrong in your thinking.

DON'T SAY IT'S GOING TO BE OKAY OR THAT YOU UNDERSTAND ...

It's not ever going to be okay. And you really DON'T understand.

LET THEM SCREAM, CRY, WHATEVER.

Sometimes, even after it's been a year or even five years, we just need to cry because we don't know what else to do. We just want our child back...we just wanted to bring our child home.

REMEMBER THEIR CHILD.

Try to remember their child's birthday and even when they passed away. We don't want you to forget about our little family member... They are still apart of us and who we are as a family. This year, my friend and her family went to the beach and wrote a big "happy birthday, Israel" with a heart around it in the sand. It meant more than words can describe right now. The first Christmas without our son, Brittany's mother sent a little gift to us in honor of Israel. It was a little lamb that plays the melody of "Jesus Loves Me." It filled my heart with joy... These ACTIONS spoke MUCH LOUDER than words will ever speak.

WHEN WE TELL YOU TO "CHERISH YOUR CHILD"...

Just say, "I will". Nothing else... Children are God's truest blessings... 

Just for my sweet boy...

Silly Breastfeeding Adventures

In honor of world breastfeeding week, we thought we'd share some funny breastfeeding adventures with you.

Mama B: I think I have nursed Oliver just about everywhere. The dinner table, Ikea, Walmart, the park, several food stores, on an airplane, the shower, a boat, cooking dinner, the zoo, Target, Trader Joe's, restaurants, walking down the street, in bed, everywhere! But there will always be one place that sticks out in my mind. Nursing Oliver in the car.

There I am crossing the bay bridge and boom we hit a standstill. We were planning on stopping off for a stretch and a nursing right when we got off the bridge, but due to a fender bender we got stuck on the two lane bridge. Guess who starts screaming for milk- Oliver. So what do I do? Like any good nursing mother, I loosen my seat belt, got on my knees and leaned over Oliver's rear facing car seat and whipped 'em out. You know the elastic boob...I ain't no Dolly Parton and it sure isn't comfy, but instantly Oliver started drinking and stopped screaming.

Did I mention that we do not have tinted windows, my friends? The looks I got were priceless. My parents were following behind us and got quite a chuckle because they knew exactly what I was doing ;p This is not the first time I have nursed Oliver in the car, but most defiantly the one I will always remember.


Umma Nelly: Okay....so, I have never had an experience like Brittany's, but I have had my fair share of different moments with Josiah. Like Mama Brittany, I have also nursed Josiah EVERYWHERE. I have a nursing cover, and when my boy wanted to eat, you can bet your dollar that I nursed him. I'm trying to think about if I ever tried to nurse Josiah in the car the same way as Mama B. Hmm...no, I think I tried, but it just wasn't working for various reasons. ;)

I was always determined to breastfeed Josiah exclusively the first year. Formula was just not part of my equation. There were thousands of times where I was tempted, but always received some type of encouragement from someone (mainly Brittany). This one time while I was in Ohio... I was nursing Josiah and we were already battling him biting. I've done the "tap his mouth", pull him away, use the teething ring, etc. (Side Note: In my personal opinion, the pulling away worked the best). Josiah thought it would be really hilarious to grind his teeth and pull away while he was still on the boob. I screamed and shouted that he can have stupid formula. I thought I had enough, wouldn't you? Especially if you were bleeding at that point? Oh, I hated the biting stage. I just had to deal with it and praise God for when he was ready for organic milk. (We're still nursing, but only comfort nursing). Thank God, he doesn't bite any more. He did get a giggle when he did it, though. It's like that little turkey knew he was up to no good! ;) My mom usually got a kick out of this.

From the Two of Us, Mama's :)

After nursing for over a year, we have a book full of hilarious moments. Some include the waiter getting a free "show" while the little one popped out his head. Some people got to hear a toddler scream for the "boobie" while trying to have a peaceful dinner. You get the ugly stares, but you just look the other way or just smile real big. It all happens. Nursing is full of funny moments. You just have to deal with whatever comes your way, despite the embarrassment or the "ouch" moments. Don't give up. You'll laugh about this when your baby is a wee bit older. ;)