To the mom who had a c-section

I work with mamas and babies. I'm a big advocate of natural childbirth, obviously. But sometimes things happen beyond our control and our dreams of having a natural birth don't work out. For some of us a c-section is our biggest fear , and when it happens we are left feeling broken and torn apart. Worthless and a failure. Not good enough, not worthy of this baby. 

Sound familiar? Too much I've sat with friends and moms and had them talk about their c-sections using words like 'failure, broken, not worthy.' And for far too long these moms feel like they are not good enough, that they somehow failed their child/children. And you know what? I'm sick of it. 

I'm sick of society telling you that you are broken, that you failed. 

Please hear me c-section mama. If you hear nothing else on this blog that I ever write hear these words. 

You are strong. You are beautiful. Your body is so amazing that it formed another human life. It protected that life and allowed it to grow. It nourished that life. It was home, and heaven, and your baby's safe space. It was your heart beating as your baby grew and developed. It is sacred and wonderful. Every stretch mark is magnificent, every pound gained or lost. Beautiful. And your scar? The scar that might remind you of how your baby was born. It's your battle wound strong woman. Wear it proudly. It was your baby's safe door to this world, where they came through to find you waiting at the other side. 

C-section mama I'm proud to know you. I'm proud to be a part of this club with you. I stand beside you knowing how it feels. It's raw and it's real. Don't let anybody tell you how to feel, and take all the time you need to grieve and work through it, know that you are not alone. You are a treasure and a wonder. 

Be gentle with yourself. It's ok to feel however you feel. 

Seek out support (ican.com) and know you are not alone, your feelings are valid, and there's millions of mamas out there just like you. We are proud of you warrior mama. You are beautiful. You are brave. You are strong. You are a wonderful mother.  A wonderful wonderful mother. 

My tandem nursing story.

In order to tell you about my breastfeeding journey I first need to give a bit of a backstory into how my first son was born. Around 30 weeks gestation I became very sick and was put on hospital bed rest. Later I found out I had developed lupus induced preeclampsia. I had no prior knowledge of having lupus (an autoimmune disease) before this time. My sweet baby was born by emergency c-section (I was put under general anesthesia) at 32 weeks gestation weighing only 2 pounds 14 ounces. After his birth he was taken to the nicu and I was unable to be with him because I was very sick. My blood pressure was not coming down and I was placed on magnesium sulfate for 24 hours to try to stabilize me. Lupus induced preeclampsia is one of the most dangerous pregnancy complications and 80% of mothers and babies die. We are miracles!!!! (I did not know this statistic until after my second was born!)

After being on the mag for 24 hours I begged my doctor to take me off so I could goto the nicu! My husband had been doing skin to skin with our baby and he had some fabulous nicu nurses giving him lots of love! Unfortunetly I couldn't make it up to meet my baby until about 2 full days later, I was so sick and weak. On day two I did start pumping my colostrum out for him and he was fed my colostrum through a tube into his tummy! 

After 50 hours of being away from my baby I finally got to meet and hold him! And he was even allowed to try to nurse! He licked my nipple and then laid in between my breasts and fell asleep. It was heaven holding him, and I never wanted to let go. 

As the days went on Oliver was doing very well- I kept pumping and he kept growing off my milk, we began using a nipple shield and allowing him to practice at the breast. Eventually his feeding tube was removed and we did a mix of breastfeeding with the shield and side lying paced bottle feeds of my milk. After only 3 weeks, we took our sweet baby boy home- he weighed 3 pounds 11 ounces the day we brought him home! Breastfeeding was so difficult for me because I was still so sick with my lupus, but I was determined not to give up! I kept pumping and breastfeeding him. Around 8 weeks old I developed mastitis. I decided no more pumping and wanted to just breastfeed! We weaned off the bottles and he became fully breastfed with the nipple shield! Around 4 months old we weaned off the nipple shield and we've never looked back!! 

To me breastfeeding was something I could do for my baby. When my body had failed him in every other way, this was the one thing I had that didn't fail him, this is the one thing we had to make up for lost time. This was our healing.

He continued nursing like a champ well into toddlerhood when mommy became pregnant again (surprise!) I knew I wanted to tandem nurse but had many fears about it! I was worried I would have another preemie, or it would cause a miscarriage, or they baby wouldn't grow. After much research, and reading 'adventures in tandem nursing' I knew that tandem nursing was possible and nursing through a pregnancy would be ok.

I returned to my high risk ob to discuss options such a vbac and nursing in pregnancy. I was told absolutely not! I was told if I continued nursing the baby wouldn't grow! I was told lupus is the scariest disease on earth and I could never vbac! I was called a 'tree hugger' I left the office in sobs. I couldn't wean my baby boy- we worked too hard at it, it was too special to us. And I HAD to give birth. I knew I could give birth!

After much searching I found a hospital with midwives and a high risk ob. They both agreed to share me and work towards helping me vbac! The experience with the midwives was so wonderful and they never put me down for nursing Oliver! They supported it!

Nursing pregnant^

My fabulous IBCLC told me to go gluten free ASAP if I wanted a full term baby. I listened to her and my life changed! I felt SO MUCH BETTER. I took the Bradley method classes and got on the brewers diet. I ate clean and well. I continued nursing. Around 16 weeks my milk dwindled completely away. Nursing was painful anyways but dry nursing was nearly unbearable. We kept at it mainly at night for comfort. Around 23 weeks I began getting drops of colostrum! Oliver kept nursing....

During this time I began school to become a breastfeeding counselor as well.

Fast forward to 30 weeks, 32 weeks, 36 weeks, 39 weeks and I was still feeling good!

I went into labor on my own at 39 weeks and two days! Baby number two was born at 39 weeks 4 days in a completely pain free vbac! It was amazing! He began nursing soon after birth and I thought smooth sailing....

Wrong! He was born with an upper lip tie and posterior tongue tie. Nursing him was a challenge, the hospital LC told me he was fine and we suffered through those first few weeks....

Oliver hated the colostrum and refused to nurse- so I had a baby who couldn't nurse well and my toddler who was refusing, and then my pump broke! It was a rough few weeks! 

Around day 3 when my milk came in Oliver started nursing again and kept my supply up since Finley had such a hard time nursing. After Finn had his tongue and lip revised around 4 weeks old nursing was much better! 

We made it!!! We are tandem nursing! It's so sweet when they nurse together and hold hands or giggle together. I live for these moments, they fill my heart and it overflows. Oliver is now 4 years old and the baby (Finley) is 19 months old. They are both still nursing machines! We all look forward to our nursing times and all the cuddles! Oliver will often hug his brother and tell him thank you for bringing me all the milk when you were born. It is so sweet. Tandem nursing defiantly has had it's challenges but all in all it's such a sweet precious time and I love the bond it's created between my boys, I often call them my twins. I hope as they grow up they will look back on tandem nursing together with very fond memories. I know I will! 

I don't foresee the boys weaning anytime soon as they both nurse several times a day, and the baby is still night nursing too. I share my story to show others that full term nursing is normal and beautiful. I hope that we can one day live in a world where full term nursing is looked at as such. 

Follow me on Instagram @olipopsmom 

The Beauty of Winter

In winters past, I remember dreading the gloomy grey days filled with cold, snow, and slush. Winter seemed never ending and I remember longing for spring and warmer days. I don't know quite what has hit me, but the more I tune in with nature the more I love the natural changing seasons. I have always found snow beautiful and now I am appriciating even the gloomiest of winter days.

There is such a stillness to winter. A calm. If you listen closely you can hear her whispering her beauty and surrounding you with it. Be still, breathe, anticipate. Breathe in winters beauty while she's still here. Bundle up and go outside. Search her out, ask her to consume you and show you the beauty she has to offer you. Winter is refreshing.

One of my favorite parts of winter is going outside with my boys and exploring. Their little noses get all red, hands cold as ice. They trudge along in their snow boots picking up sticks or leaves along the way. Exploring anything they can find sticking out of the snow.

And then when we feel we can't bear to stay outside a moments longer we retreat to our warm house and the boys snuggle in for a nursing. Their icy little hands and cold little noses pressed against me. And I smile, and I know I will miss this. Just like winter turns to spring and spring turns to summer, my babies are no longer babies. I have a toddler and a preschooler, and when I blink they will be 15 and 17 and I will think back fondly of all the beautiful winters I shared with them. All the winters where it took us 30 minutes to leave the house only to come back in 10 minutes later because they got too cold. All the winters where they begged to get outside only to want to lay in the snow and make snow angels until they were frozen. All of the winters we snuggled up together to keep warm and sip on hot cocoa together.  Too soon winter will be over for this year, and the boys will be all grown up.

Try to see the beauty in everything, time is so precious and it moves so fast. Instead of wishing for spring, appreciate the season you are in right now. Find the beauty. There is always beauty.