"Diary of a Lupie Pregnancy" Chapter 2

Words from Mama Brittany:


I was apprehensive even still to have switched doctors to unfamiliar territory. I now venture about an hour from my home down to the big city; but then I realized it is my city. I was born there and I know it. It's not scary, it's beautiful and worth it.

I arrived on time for my anticipated appointment. I was nervous and thank God my mother was able to come with me since Jacob couldn't take off work. Everything went smoothly, we got the valet parking and were about 25 minutes early to my appointment. As I was closing in on the clinic, the doors to the elevator popped open and out came a pregnant woman in a wheelchair. I knew right then they were bringing her down from high risk for tests. Our eyes met and I knew exactly how she was feeling. A swoosh of emotions over came me and I was taken back to my time in high risk.

I remember being wheeled around for tests, sometimes I was allowed to go into the main hospital, catch a glimpse of some people. Most days I was all alone, I remember one day I was starring out the window and watching a trash bag blowing around by the wind and I thought to myself maybe I'll see a squirrel today. Oh how I wanted to see a squirrel. That dang on trash bag blew outside my window all day. I saw no squirrel. I remember the night I got discharged, my mother hen nurse whom I loved was the one to wheel me to my car. She wheeled me to the lobby and we waited there for Jacob to check out. If looks could kill I would have been dead, there I sit in my wheelchair, alone with flowers in my lap. It was like time was frozen still and I was the only person in the room, everyone was staring at me. Everyone had sympathy, everyone thought my baby was dead. I wanted to shout and scream and tell them he was alive and healthy, but it didn't matter. I was going home without a baby, that's all they saw.

Inwardly, my heart was aching for this woman, she got wheeled back to the testing center, tears in her eyes and tissues in her hand. I prayed for her,and prayed for her baby. It's a sucky feeling being high risk. And it doesn't matter if your baby arrives healthy or not, its not a ball of fun and people will never understand. So many people said that I should just be thankful that Oliver is healthy. I am thankful, oh I'm thankful, but it still hurts, its still scary and we don't need to hear your well meaning comments. It's like Janel said in her post about Izzy Bear- it's best if you say nothing at all.

As I was sitting there I met 3 other mamas. Two of them were 8 months and one of them was 5. They were all talking about the sex of their babies and complaining because the two 8 month ones wanted boys and they were having girls, the other one wanted a girl because she has a son. They were super nice but all I could think was, "Oh please God let my baby be healthy, Oh please God let the heart be beating right, Oh please God let this appointment go perfectly."

I remember being a first time mom, and being so excited about the baby without a care in the world. When you have healthy children, uncomplicated pregnancies you have no idea. I like to think that most people cherish their children healthy or not, but all to often I see babies and children being taken for granted. I see pregnant woman drinking Mountain Dew and Dr. Pepper and they get healthy full term babies. I'm not saying this out of bitterness, but I want to be real. If I can't be real on my own blog then where can I be real?

I don't want people to feel sorry for me, I have enough pity parties on my own thank you very much. If I had one wish, it would be that people would be thankful for what they have, everyday. If you have a healthy pregnancy, cherish it. Cherish your children, even when its hard and you want to toss them out the window. Trust me I have my moments with Oliver, but then I think of the nicu and my 3 pounder and nothing else matters. He's here with me, he's alive and healthy and thriving. This little baby in my tummy is healthy and perfect.

The sonogram went wonderfully the first thing the lady said was gasp " Your baby is gorgeous I love your baby!" Everything was exactly perfect. I measured exactly what I am, and every little test was totally normal! And after the trucking we made to the big city, I realized this is my city, the city I was born in and the city where my baby will be born in. The level of care I'm receiving is outstanding and I'm filled with so much peace and have so much hope. I don't have another sonogram for four weeks!

I still have two more appointments to clear this week but I think everything will go great! Thanks for all the prayers and love, it means the world to us to have your support.

Be loved and be cherished, and go out and share it. <3