New Years 'Resolution'

Words from Mama Brittany:

I'm not one to do news years resolutions, but this year I decided I wanted to do something! I decided I wanted to get outside every day, not just going out to the car or for appointments. I wanted to get outside daily with the intent of being outside, exploring nature, breathing in the fresh air, and having fun! I live in the central north east, so we have some pretty chilly winters! So far I've been getting outside even if only to feel what -30 F feels like! Yes it was -30 F here a few days in a row with the wind chills from the polar vortex.

Four years ago when I was diagnosed with lupus life was hard. I felt really sick everyday and even minor things (like getting dressed) were challenging. I have come so far since then, and continue to heal more each day. I remember taking a walk with Oliver when he was a baby and I was struggling to keep going because I was so exhausted, I just wanted to be healed. I came to a shady spot on the path and I heard that still small voice say 'you will find your healing through nature' at the time I was like 'what the heck does that even mean!?' But I've realized it's a journey, and the more I go down this rabbit hole the more I'm learning, and the more I'm amazed. I absolutely love nature, it's so beautiful and it is so healing. If God made the earth with everything we needed to live and survive- even thrive, then anything we truly need is already here for us, we just need to do a good job of taking care of the earth, she's such a beautiful gift.

As a mother of boys, they have a genuine need to get outside. My boys have tons of toys and do you know what they play with the most? Sticks, rocks, and pine cones that we collect on our walks! I've found getting outside more is better for all of our moods too and helps them eat and sleep better too!  Humans were meant to be outside more- the fresh air is so good for all of us!!

So here's my challenge to you! Get outside everyday! Explore, have fun, and let nature heal you! It used to be and still is very common in other cultures to spend a majority of time outdoors, no matter what the weather! So join me and Nelly as we embark on this new year and new challenge to get outside more!

Follow us on Instagram: twomaidsamilkin and hashtag #365daysoutside

The blissful birth of Finley Boone

Well it only took me 10 months! But finally I wrote the beautiful birth of my sweet Finn. For those who have been with me on my journey you know I have lupus and that my first birth was an emergency c-section at 32 weeks. So here is my VBAC story. (Vaginal birth after cesarean) 

I went to my regular appointment on tuesday June 12th. I was 39 weeks and two days pregnant! I had my NST- (non stress test) and baby looked perfect, I was told I needed to come back friday for another NST and we could talk induction. I then went to my midwives appointment where they said my high risk OB strongly suggested that I schedule induction. I replied 'no thank you' and my midwife wrote that down on paper, we both giggled. I was so confused as to why my baby had expired between 39-40 weeks. Of course it all got blamed on Lupus, which was in fact in remission the entire pregnancy. I also knew that baby was fine and I trusted my gut and was determined to let baby come on his own.

My husband had other ideas, the midwives said for us to go home and try natural remedies. I didn’t feel I needed to try any natural remedies as I trusted in my body and my baby. That doesn’t mean hubby and I didn’t have a little fun though ;-P. I talked to the baby and I said “Baby these people want you to come out, and if you're  ready I would love to meet you and welcome you into our family, but if you're not then I’ll fight for you to come on your own.”

 We ate yummy pad thai for lunch, and just hung out at home. I began having some contractions and I thought to myself, these might be real. In my mind I was in total denial that it was real labor. The surges came about 15 minutes apart, I decided I better rest in case it was true labor. I went to bed only to be woken to surges about every 8 minutes. Every contraction made me have to pee, and poop. I would sleep thru until a surge hit, breathe thru it, and then go to the bathroom. It was all night long ranging from 5-8 minutes. I got online to talk to a few special ladies, Both of them helped me so much, I was able to keep my focus and not freak out, and I was able to rest in between. I let Jacob rest because I knew that if it were real labor I would need him more later, then for this pre labor stuff. 

I also really wanted to be alone, in the still quiet night just Finley and I, allowing my body to prepare him to meet the world. The contractions got down to 2-4 minutes apart. I just wanted to be, to rest, and to breathe. I did my Bradley Method techniques And drank some natural calm around 3 am to see if it would help slow things so I could sleep. By morning I was exhausted, totally worn out and really wanted to sleep. I talked to baby and asked him to settle down a bit so that Mama could get a bit of rest. Things slowed down, way down. The surges then were coming about every 10-15 minutes and then they slowed even more. I talked to my Doula and she said it was probably pre labor to get babe in a nice position for the real thing, we both agreed it could still be longer. I felt peaceful about this. All I wanted to do was sleep, I was so tired. I ate a big lunch and then heated up my rice socks and headed for bed. Jacob gave me a massage and I was able to drift off in between contractions. I woke periodically to the surges but was able to fall back asleep in between. Finally around 5:30pm I woke up, took a shower and had a wonderful dinner. The contractions seemed to have stopped almost all together now and I was thankful! I relaxed throughout the evening and crawled into bed around 10:30pm wednesday night.  I notified my doula that the contractions had pretty much stopped and that I was going to bed.

I cuddled up next to Oliver with a smile on my face knowing that soon he wouldn’t be my one and only, I fell asleep with him in my arms. Around midnight I woke with a wave of intensity. I thought 'oh no here we go again more pre labor.' I was not thinking it was real labor at all, even though it was pretty intense. The contractions came on hard and strong just like tuesday night except they were longer, stronger and closer together. I decided to time them for a bit before I woke Jacob up. They were about 5 minutes apart, then 4 then 3 then 4 then 5.....then they were just rolling. I was in total labor land, I was unable to breathe through quietly and I began getting quite vocal. I was just going totally primal, loving every minute of it. I remember smiling and laughing thinking yes my body is doing this! I rocked on the birth ball at the end of our bed, trying to be quiet since Oliver was sleeping right there. Every contraction I grabbed Jacob’s heel. I felt like I was drawing strength from him. I decided I needed to wake Jacob, I needed his support because I was so tired and I wanted to sleep so bad! By the time Jacob got up it was about 2:30 am. We moved Oliver from our bed to the bed in our guest room with my mom, my mom was so super helpful the entire pregnancy, it was so comforting to know Oliver was in good hands and I could just labor without worrying about him. 

Once Oliver was settled we decided to try a bath to see if that would slow things down, or if indeed this was real.   I always envisioned I would want a water birth, but the moment I got in the tub I wanted out! I hated it, every bit of it. That really surprised me, but thats just how I felt at the time, so after a few contractions we decided to get out of the tub and give my midwife a call- my favorite midwife was on call so I was pretty excited about that. I actually spoke to her on the phone and actually talked with her through a contraction- that was not an easy task, her and I decided to see if the contractions would keep coming every 3 minutes for the next hour, because we didn’t want to show up to the hospital too soon. After that Jacob and I went into our bedroom and Jacob decided 'we’d better call Tina' my doula. My contractions were one on top of the other and Jacob couldn’t even time them because they were just coming and coming.

Jacob spoke on the phone with Tina and I remember thinking “Guys come on this isn’t even real labor yet, I have time....no need to rush things.” But Tina said to Jacob something along the lines of- “if what you're telling me is true, you should goto the hospital now....” I then replied as I giggled “ Is she sure? I’m fine! This is nothing haha” Jacob decided we should go and it was about that moment, about 4 am that I felt some intense pressure and I was like “Oh no! I need to poop!” I was not about to poop as I was pushing the baby out so I decided to try and go before we left for the hospital. I peed and that was it, then in between the waves I tried checking my purse to make sure I had everything, and with that I headed downstairs still in disbelief that this was even real. I looked at the stairs and wondered how I would make it down, I had to hold myself because I felt like Finn was going to fall out! Jacob came and helped me into the living room where I continued singing through every blissful wave. 

Labor was the most fun thing I’ve ever done. Every beautiful wave was more blissful than the next. They were never painful to me, just wonderful and amazing. Every contraction that came I felt the urge to poop more and more. We made it out to the car and I was scared to sit down, afraid I would hurt the baby because that’s how low he felt. We started driving and it was beautiful outside. The night was cool there were stars hanging low over the farms and hills as we drove down the country road. I felt like I was in heaven. It was magical. Contractions were coming every 4 minutes and I honestly felt like I was on a roller coaster ride as we drove. I sang out, I spoke in tongues and I cussed. We made it to the end of the back roads and were headed towards the highway to downtown. The light was green at the moment and I said “If the light turns yellow, you need to run the light” Well the light turned yellow and Jacob stops. “Run the light I said! Run the fucking light!” Jacob was like “I can’t!” to which I replied “ YOU BETTER RUN THIS FUCKING LIGHT NOW!” Don’t mess with a laboring woman who feels like her baby is falling out of her. So he ran the light. 

We got onto the highway heading into the city and I had so much pressure down there, I thought if I emptied my bladder It would help. The only thing in the car was a big mason jar, so I pulled down my pants and sat on this gigantic mason jar. Picture this as your driving to work at 5 am haha! Luckily the highway wasn’t too crowded. I was laughing hysterically by the way because I was seriously naked sitting on a jar trying to pee, all while my husband drives, and yes cars were passing us! 

Well I couldn’t pee in the jar so i decided to pee on a blanket I had brought. I know thats gross but when you're in labor you just don’t care. So I peed on the blanket but the pressure still remained, I still felt like I needed to poop. We approached the hospital and Jacob asked if I wanted to be dropped off. I declined and decided it was 5 am in the city and I didn’t want to be alone. We parked the car and my pants were still down. I got out of the car in the garage butt naked and looked around for the security camera. I was still laughing at this point as the whole thing was quite hilarious! We made it into the hospital and right by the door were the wheelchairs. I declined and we made the long walk down the mile long hallway to the elevators. I stopped probably 100 times. Every contraction I would squat and breathe. It felt so good. We made it to the desk and were sent on the elevators to labor and delivery. We get on the elevator with a man who looked like P. Diddy. Just then a contraction hits! I squat and i’m all like “OOOOOHHHHHHHH, OHHHHHH” Jacob is laughing because this poor guy is stuck in an elevator with this woman in labor, just then P. Diddy looked at Jacob with a smile and said “ It’s alright man, I got three.” Haha we all had a good laugh!

We get up to labor and delivery and we inform the incompetent woman behind the counter that we are here to meet my midwife and that my midwife is waiting for me. (The whole check in was already taken care of since I was with the midwives) BUT this woman still made us check in. I seriously wanted to die because I didn’t want to go through the long check in process.

 I decided to go to the bathroom and try to poop again. Nothing happened but I labored on the toilet hoping Jacob could just check us in quickly and it would be over when I came out. No such luck, so I got on the floor of the office and labored while she asked me ridiculous questions like my address and social security number. Then after that I went to the bathroom again to labor some more, came out and sat in the waiting room with Jacob. It was about 5:30 am and I wondered if all of this was even real. It felt like a dream, I began to worry. Just then I heard a ding from the elevator and around the corner came my doula. It was like an angel floating towards me. I felt so safe and was able to relax, I knew I would be ok now. Tina sat beside me and told me that I 'looked too good.' 

Just then I had a contraction and I squatted. Tina’s sweet calm voice was amazing. “Shoulders down, good Brittany, perfect, thats it.” Right after that contraction my other angel showed up, my midwife. Now I was at total peace because I had my safe people, people who knew me and cared about me. 

We walked back and headed for my room. Turns out there were no rooms. During my pregnancy I prayed and was prayed over that I would give birth like the hebrew woman (who had fast labors) also I prayed I would give birth like Mary to Jesus. When I prayed that I did not mean that there would be no room for me at the inn, but God has quite the sense of humor eh?! So in the hall waiting for my room I announced that I had to goto the bathroom...again. I was determined to poop this time, this was my last attempt to poop before labor! So I went in the bathroom in the hallway and sat on the toilet. Then I had a contraction but this time my whole body takes over something crazy and I start pushing and let out the loudest grunt/roar. My midwife and doula were right outside the door and both of them shouted “Open the door Brittany!!!!” The contraction stopped, the feeling stopped and I got up with my pants down laughing and not knowing what to do I opened the door that way and say “why can’t I push? I can’t help it!” My midwife said “ You can’t push because your'e on a toilet!” My doula pulled up my pants and we followed my midwife into a triage room. They had one open and my midwife wanted to check to see how dilated I was. Some nurse hooked me up to a monitor and then I laid back and my midwife checked me. Her eyes got big as she exclaimed “ SHE”S 10!!! and he’s coming NOW! His head is right here!” I began clapping and laughing and I said “I don’t have to have another C-section?!?” My midwife said “Not today!” WOO HOO! She then asked me if I wanted to give birth in the triage room or a real room, I wanted the room with the view so they wheeled me down the hallway and asked me how and where I wanted to do it. I decided I’d get on the hospital bed, which I wouldn’t let anyone help me. I am very stubborn and like to do things myself and it’s rare I ask for help, even in labor apparently. 

I got on the bed on hands and knees and stayed that way for one contraction, I didn’t like it and decided I wanted to squat. So I put the back of the bed all the way up and got into a nice squat. It felt so good, so natural. The room had big beautiful windows over my city, my beloved city.I decided to take my shirt off so that Finn could be born and come right to my bare chest so he could breastfeed right away. The sun was rising and I honesty felt like I was in Africa somewhere in a field or on a mountain top just squatting my baby out with the sunrise. It was truly magnificent. I asked my doula and midwife if I was doing this right? If I was ok? They told me I was doing so great, I was so calm and relaxed. I was at total peace. I pushed for about 20 minutes when my midwife asked if my water had broke? It hadn't so she broke it and I’m pretty sure the next contraction is when Finn was born.

 I don’t remember any pain, pressure yes but I was so relaxed. The ring of fire was not a big deal, I felt it but it didn’t bother me. I tore a bit but it wasn’t bad. I pushed 4 times to get Finn out on that last contraction. I pushed 3 pushes for his head and then one more for his body. Finn was born at 6:42 on June 14th! (About a 36 hour labor- 6 hour active) My midwife was very hands off except to catch him and bring him right onto me. I was the one who held my baby first, I held him right on my chest while we left his cord pulsating. He began nursing right away and knew just what to do. It was such a precious moment, he was so little even though he weighed double what Oliver did! (6.5 pounds and 20 inches) My baby was here, and healthy and wonderful. I did it! I VBAC’d!

This was a dream of mine for so long! It happened and it was the most wonderful blissful amazing experience of my life. I can honestly say I had a pain free labor and birth. I got to give my baby the gift of labor and natural child birth. No drugs, no interventions, not even an I.V. or anything! Total free birth in a hospital. No vaccines, no eyedrops, no circumcision. Just birthing my sweet perfect baby boy into the world and into my arms. I thought my VBAC would suddenly heal me but I realized it wasn’t the VBAC that healed me. It was the journey. The mothers I met, the friends I made, the wonderful woman who believed in me and my body. The doctors, the midwives, the doulas, the placenta lady, the Mama’s, you, all of you. I am so proud to be in this Mama club.

 Since my VBAC I see the beauty in both births. Both were beautiful in their own ways and I am thankful for each, my heart is full. If you have a dream, even if it looks impossible, even if everyone tells you you can’t. You can. If A little Lupus Mama can go full term, no flares, no health problems, and push a baby out of her freaking Va jay jay. You my friend can move mountains! After I had him I proclaimed “ I just pushed a baby out of my vagina!” To which my husband replied “ You did Babe, your a rock star!” 

Rock on Mama’s!

Why YOU ARE a wonderful mother

Okay, Okay. I know you’re all probably wondering why I’m making my come back blog about this? I can hear you all through your computers (and iPhones) saying Whoa Brittany, what about that VBAC birth story we have been waiting to hear for oh gee the last 9 months? The Birth Story will come, but I seriously feel the need to blog about this specific topic as it’s something I (and lots of my friends) have been struggling with lately as Mommies. 

These days the culture of Pinterest, Facebook, and Instagram are screaming at us saying  “Look at me! Look what *I* do with my kids! Look how pretty *MY* life is, Look at all the crafts, and parks, and playdates, and activities *I* do with my kids!” 

Letting My babe cook! At least for the picture!

The problem with this is it makes all the other mothers out there feel like crap. I know when I see some of this i’m like “Wow, Ummm I kept my kids alive today? Does *that* count for something?!? With all this in your face, it’s no wonder other mamas feel like failures. I see a mom post herself painting with her kids and I’m like “Damn gotta break out the paint- what a freaking mess this is going to be!” Now it’s not that I don’t paint with my kids, because we do, and it’s not about not sharing your mothering journey with the rest of the world. But the problem lies within the comparisons. The seeing what others mothers do and feeling like you don’t measure up, like your not a good enough mom. I get that. I feel that.  And those moms who are posting all the “good” pictures, they feel it too. Our grandmothers and mothers didn’t have these pressures, Heck our grandmas probably didn’t work, and gramps probably made plenty for her to stay home and raise the kids. Our mothers even may have stayed home or worked, but regardless our moms didn’t have the pressures of the internet. Our moms probably had her little circle of real life friends and although may have compared herself to them, sure didn’t have thousands of other woman she was comparing herself too.

Baby playing...house probably messy just not in the pic!

I feel like it’s turned into a competition. How am I doing? Am I a better mother than her? Is she a better mother than me? Now whether anyone is willing to admit that, thats another story. But here I am waving both hands in the air saying “I do it too.” Yup how’s that for authenticity. I see photos on Instagram and Facebook and see what other moms are doing with their kids and I feel like I simply don’t measure up. Here I am a mom of two, trudging through this thing called motherhood wondering most days if I’m even doing it right and wondering why the hospital didn’t hand me a manual when I took my firstborn home.

I know a lot of people think I’ve got it all together. People see me tandem nursing and say “WOW you are super MOM!” What you don’t see dear friends is that I am a part time stay at home mom/ part time trying to work and make money mom/ and putting myself through school. I have a 3 year old doesn’t nap nor is he big on sleep and a 9 month old who is currently getting 4 teeth at once. I am tired, I am worn thin, and most days it’s all I can do to feed them and keep them happy until my husband gets home from work. Sure I post pictures of my sweethearts all lovey dovey and it looks and appears that my life is just perfection. But what you don’t see Instagrammers is the huge pile of :insert any amount of crap: I shove off to the side so my house looks clean for that picture! OR that I bribe my 3 year old with chocolate so he will smile sweetly for a cute picture, OR well you get it! 

There are times the boys do smile without chocolate and there are days when yes my house is clean and beautiful,I craft with the boys, I make dinner, I go to the store, I take the kids to the park, I do the laundry and I AM super mom! BUT there are also days there are crumbs on the floor, dishes not only piled high in the sink, but overtaking the counters, and laundry lets not even go there (can we say smell test?) 

The point I want to get across to you Mamas is this: Facebook and Instagram are not the whole picture. Sure there are wonderful moments and times we take pictures and it’s real, I mean it’s all real but its not always all pretty.

So the next time you see that mom posting all those fabulous pics and you think she’s got it all together, chances are she probably doesn’t. And thats ok. It’s ok we don’t have it all together. It’s ok our houses are messy and we haven't had a shower in 3 days. It’s ok that the baby has lunch crusted on his face and is wearing his pajamas all day. It’s hard to be a mother in this day and age. We are all doing the best we can. We are all wonderful. I’m just here to tell you that ITS OK. Your doing OK, You are doing a great job, you ARE a wonderful mother. hugs! 

There is a mess on my couch that I so cleverly sat on for the pic!

Diary of a lupie pregnancy: Chapter 4

Words from Mama Brittany: Well folks  I'm 28 weeks into this pregnancy and guess what?! Today I graduated from the heart sonograms because 28 weeks is the cutoff date if anything was going to happen it already would have. I asked my high risk ob what our plan of action was from here on out and he replied with a smile "Have a normal pregnancy? You'd like that right?" so there we go my first big battle is won and I'm confident that I will stay healthy and carry this baby full term. I want to thank Dr. Brewer, because of your diet I've gained about 30 pounds and for someone who struggles to put on weight it's a great feeling! As I was leaving the sonogram today the lady said " congratulations again, oh and the baby is measuring 2 pounds 12 ounces." I froze, Oliver was born 4 weeks from today weighing 2 pounds 14 ounces. Craziness, I just feel so blessed. Oliver is my miracle and I know that every single day, but some days it hits home more than others. Today was that day.  Sometimes when life doesn't make sense- we have to take time to step back and understand that we usually can't see the big picture. In time I've learned that everything happened for a reason and it's made me who I am And where I'm meant to be. And I'm thankful <3 Be loved and Cherish life, it's precious.

Pregnant breastfeeding.

Words from Mama Brittany: When I found out the big surprise that I was expecting again, My first thought was "Oh no, will I have to wean Oliver?" I was so excited to be pregnant again, but it wasn't in my plan. I planned to nurse Oliver for 30 months minimal and then allow him to self wean, after 30 months I decided it would be ok to get pregnant again because I would have met my breastfeeding goal.  I got pregnant when Oliver was 20 months old, and still very dependent on breast milk. He would nurse a lot for comfort as well as for nutrition. I was very nervous yet determined to allow him to self wean as long as the pregnancy went well and the baby and I were healthy. I did tons of research and debunked all ideas of continued breastfeeding through pregnancy causing harm and made the informed decision to continue. Here I am at 28 weeks still nursing! The baby and I are healthy and both gaining weight. My milk dried up from 19-23 weeks but Oliver just kept on nursing. I was so happy to have colostrum come in because dry nursing can only be described as a feeling of sand coming through your nipples. It was quite painful and not enjoyable but the comfort it provided for my son did make it all worth it. Many woman set limits on nursing because it becomes unbearable, there have been times I've said no, or only allowed him to nurse for short periods. All in all I think my experience with nursing through pregnancy has been relatively uneventful and mostly pleasant. I am excited to know what it will be like to nurse two babies at once. Or should I say a toddler and a baby? I'm sure it will be a fun adventure and I'm looking forward to it!

Nursing a toddler Vs. nursing a newborn

Words from Mama Brittany: I am 27 weeks pregnant and nursing my 27 month old toddler. I was thinking today that in a short few months I will get to nurse a squishy sweet newborn again! I am getting so excited to be a tandem nursing Mama and be able to bond with both of my boys in such a special way. As I looked back on my adventure of nursing Oliver I've realized that so much has changed in his nursing habits! Newborns nurse so sweet and innocently, they seem so happy to just nurse and get a full belly. As they approach the four to six month range they begin pulling off more and becoming what I like to call nosy! Oliver was so nosy and had to see what was going on! That's about the time the movement started, the kicking his legs, pulling my hair, twiddling at the other nipple, and grabbing at my shirt. All of this happened so gradually I sort of just went with it and was happy to keep on nursing. It wasn't until recently while thinking of having a newborn to nurse did I realize how very different nursing a toddler and nursing a baby are! I still cherish my crazy nursing toddler, the pulling my hair, hanging onto my shirt straps, little teeth marks in my nipple from the toddler gnawing. But i am so looking forward  to nursing a gentle little newborn again! Looks like my adventure of nursing is about to get a whole lot more sweet!

Breastfeeding is love.

Words from Mama Brittany:

So it's Valentine's day! I thought I'd do a little blog about something I love! Can you guess what that is? Oh come on you can guess! Your right it's about breastfeeding! I wanted to write a little bit about the behind the scenes of my love for breastfeeding and how I became so passionate about it. It's not just because the stuff is freaking amazing, breastfeeding is about so much more than the milk!

A long time ago there was a little girl who absolutely loved babies. I was four years old when my two baby cousins were born. I remember helping take care of them, and how much fun it was! My Mum would pick me up from pre-school and little Ashley would be sitting there waiting for me, I loved helping my mom take care of her and watching her grow! I had many other little cousins and babies come into my life and I enjoyed caring for them all. I practically moved into my neighbors home to help her with her three boys. When I was thirteen I worked at my first daycare, and then began some part time nannying and babysitting jobs. I knew ever since I was a little girl that I wanted to work with children. I used to tell my Mom that I was going to adopt all the children around the world that didn't have Mommies to love them, and that I would be their Mommy.

So it's quite easy to see babies are kind of my thing, but how did working with babies lead to my breastfeeding obsession? Some of the children that I cared for were breastfed, but most were actually formula fed. It wasn't until I worked at The Goddard School as the newborn teacher that I really got introduced to breastmilk. I remember asking one mom "When do you plan on giving her real food?" She looked at me puzzled and asked what I meant. I asked her when she would give her daughter formula because I thought breastmilk was only good for the first few months! Thank God this Mama laughed and said " OH Mrs. Brittany, she will never get formula!" Oh how far I've come!

After Jacob and I married I needed a new job and I went back into the Nanny field. By the way can I just say being a nanny was the best job ever! I was really lucky that I got some amazing families to care for! Anyways I nannied for four wonderful children, the youngest were twin babies who were exclusively breastfed. It was an amazing thing to watch those babies grow on just their Mama's milk! So between it all I started becoming very interested in breastmilk. I knew I would breastfeed one day.

When I got pregnant with Oliver I was prepared to breastfeed, as you know Oliver was born via emergency c-section and I was asleep for his birth. I didn't meet Oliver until he was over 48 hours old. He was less than three pounds. I knew I would give him my milk, the nicu was glad they didn't have to convince me! I couldn't hold Oliver too much in those early days, but I could pump my milk and give him the best of me. Pumping my milk for him was something I could do, it made me feel like I was truly a mother.

After we brought Oliver home I had to continue to pump and allow him time to practice and learn at the breast, it took a lot of work and a lot of practice! During this time I was so sick from Lupus but didn't really know it. I was also battling hypoglycemia very badly. My health was not in a good place and on top of it all I got mastitis. I thought about giving up so many times. My body felt so sick and it took a long time for healing. I set out on a journey to find my health again, that led me to be the super crunchy: non vax, co-sleeping, baby wearing, anti circ, organic food eating, gentle parenting Mama that I am today!

As my physical healing was taking place so was my emotional healing. Breastfeeding did that for me. I remember after Oliver's birth I felt so broken, I felt like I had failed my baby for not being able to give him the growth that he needed. He was starving on the inside, so I was determined to nourish him on the outside. For me breastfeeding helped me work through my sadness and guilt. I was in such a dark place for so long but bonding with Oliver and connecting to him by giving him life sustaining milk helped bring me out to a place of healing and freedom. God was smart when He made us to feed our babies in this way, He knew how it would make us feel, and that His babies that He sent us would know all the love in the world.

I can't describe what it's like to breastfeed your child, if you have been one of the lucky Mama's who have experienced it then I need not explain. It's the most magical wonderful thing in the whole world. I am so happy that Oliver is still breastfeeding at two years old. I cannot wait until him and this baby breastfeed together and share in that special bond of love. For a mother to share her milk with her baby, or another baby is an act of love in itself <3

Breastfeeding=Love, and love my friends makes the world go round <3

Breastfeeding is about so much more than the milk. I am 20 weeks pregnant here and my milk supply is pretty much gone, but look how happy my baby is?!? It's all about the love!