How we almost circumcised our son.

Alright. It's that time. I've been dreading talking about this, posting about this, honestly I've been pretending this does.not.exsist. 

I want to talk about a sore subject, one that gets people really angry and mad. And sad, and offended. Possibly more so than the great vaccine debate going on these days. Possibly more than unassisted childbirth. Gmos. And all the other crazy stuff going on in today's world.

I don't share my story to shame anyone. I don't share my story start a mommy war. I don't share my story to say I'm better than you, and you suck. None of that. I'm a firm believer in 'when you know better you do better' I hope everyone will read this with an open mind, and heart. Put down your defenses and just hear this out. This is so near and dear to my heart and I only share this because I really deeply care. 

So here's my story about being for circumcision. Initially I thought it was cleaner, I thought everyone did it, I thought he was suppose to look like daddy, I thought it prevented HIV, and cancer, and on and on and on. But most importantly it was important to my husband. Coming from part Jewish heritage, it was very important to my husband. And after all, who am I to say? I don't have a penis. I let daddy decide.

If you've read my blog you know our first son was born prematurely weighing in a 2.14 pounds. He spent 3 weeks in the nicu. A few days before discharging us they asked if we wanted him circumcised. I asked if they could do it to babies as small as Oliver? I was worried but I had no idea. No real idea. I was assured they could do it, and I didn't think much of it. Again I'm not the one with the penis. The day came and they gave him tylonel and some sugar water... I walked with my perfect baby boy out of the nicu all the way to the newborn nursery where he would line up for the chop. I was nervous for him but confident in my husbands decision. And after all we were doing it for religious reasons right? They whisked my baby away and I headed back to wait for him outside the nicu. I had no idea. I honestly had no idea the horror of circumcision. 

His nicu nurse started wheeling him back in his little crib and I nervously asked how he did. She said 'he didn't have it done! The doctor (God bless her!) took one look at him and said 'no way am I doing that to this small baby!' She saved my son that day.

They told us to come back and he could have it done when he was older. So at 4 months we went for a consult. I was told he would need to be put to sleep. SAY WHAT? This baby and I almost died- and you want me to risk his life by putting him to sleep so he can have a 'pretty penis?!'

It was then I began researching EVERYTHING. At first I was ANGRY! I wanted him to be circumcised- I thought it was better for xyz reasons. When I heard about these intactivists they made me mad! Who are they to tell me what to do with my son! I battled for months and months. I shared opposing views with my husband who shot me down, and claimed Oliver would be fine and it wasn't a big deal. We saw yet another urologist who said it's better to wait until he's 2 or 3, this at least gave me more time! More time to try to convince myself circumcision was ok, and the best thing...

The more I searched the more I realized *I* was wrong. That was a hard pill to swallow. The fact that I almost caused unnessassry harm and pain to my baby, and than I had to come to terms that somebody did this to my husband. My heart ached. I shed millions of tears during this time, knowing my husband wanted this done, and knowing I couldn't live with myself if I did this to my child. My husband and I fought over this for two years. I prayed a ton! And ya know what I came to realize. God doesn't care about circumcision. I came to realize if the God I believed in wanted me to harm my child then I didn't want to believe in him anymore. I felt so much peace. Jesus came to break the laws, and I didn't need to circumcise my son. 

Finally one long teary filled day my husband uttered the words my heart needed to hear. 'We don't have to circumcise him' my husband is man enough to have broken the cycle. This was not something easy, or even something he wanted to do. But he did. To break the cycle is to admit that circumcision is wrong, and harms babies. It means to know that maybe you were harmed, when you were helpless. It's a very hard pill to swallow.

I literally feel sick to my stomach thinking about circumcision. I just didn't know. I almost circumcised my son because I didn't know the horror of it. And I honestly believe other American moms honestly don't know. It's not their fault. I don't blame these mothers, I won't stand hear and shame them or call them awful. I know nobody who is for circumcision has researched both sides. When you research it full on, all of it. Both sides. You come to realize it for what it is. 

We can all agree at that point that strapping a baby down when he's just been born, is scary enough... But then cutting off part of his body with no pain medications- is barbaric. I know this is hard for some of you to read. I know I may risk losing friends over this, but I have to speak up for these innocent babies.

 Imagine if babies were born and we cut off one of their toes for whatever reason. We strapped them down and just cut off one toe, this sounds ridiculous right? But this is what we are doing to baby boys in America every day! Except it's more sensitive than their toes!

Some people will roll their eyes and refuse to see circumcision for what it is. That's fine. But for those who want more information I've listed lots of links below for you to go out and do your own research.

Your son can decide for himself one day if he wants to be circumcised. These days it's an outpatient procedure done with a laser and adult men can take the appropriate pain medication needed after the surgery should they chose to have it done. It is not easier as a baby. It is traumatic and studies show these babies do in fact remember. It's his body, can't it be his choice?

These days my husband and I agree to let our boys choose for themselves. Our second son also remained intact and if one day either of our boys decide on circumcision we would support them. It's their body and we want it to be their choice.

Oliver has noticed that others don't look like him, and I had to explain to him why. The look of horror on my 4 year olds face when I told him what circumcision is, is one I can not explain. At that moment I thanked every angel in the universe for that doctor that day that said he was too small. I regret even considering it, I feel guilty for thinking of it. But I didn't know, it was those crazy intactivists who opened my eyes and showed me the truth. To the moms who have done this and regret it- you have the most powerful voice in this fight to end circumcision. And your boys are lucky. One day if they come to you and ask why it was done to them you can look them in their eyes and say with an honest heart 'I'm sorry' children are so forgiving, especially when they realize we are sorry. We are all human, we will make mistakes. When we know better we do better. 

Love to you. 

http://www.savingsons.org/?m=1

http://www.ourmuddyboots.com/topics/circumcision-2/

http://www.ourmuddyboots.com/topics/circumcision-2/

To the mom who had a c-section

I work with mamas and babies. I'm a big advocate of natural childbirth, obviously. But sometimes things happen beyond our control and our dreams of having a natural birth don't work out. For some of us a c-section is our biggest fear , and when it happens we are left feeling broken and torn apart. Worthless and a failure. Not good enough, not worthy of this baby. 

Sound familiar? Too much I've sat with friends and moms and had them talk about their c-sections using words like 'failure, broken, not worthy.' And for far too long these moms feel like they are not good enough, that they somehow failed their child/children. And you know what? I'm sick of it. 

I'm sick of society telling you that you are broken, that you failed. 

Please hear me c-section mama. If you hear nothing else on this blog that I ever write hear these words. 

You are strong. You are beautiful. Your body is so amazing that it formed another human life. It protected that life and allowed it to grow. It nourished that life. It was home, and heaven, and your baby's safe space. It was your heart beating as your baby grew and developed. It is sacred and wonderful. Every stretch mark is magnificent, every pound gained or lost. Beautiful. And your scar? The scar that might remind you of how your baby was born. It's your battle wound strong woman. Wear it proudly. It was your baby's safe door to this world, where they came through to find you waiting at the other side. 

C-section mama I'm proud to know you. I'm proud to be a part of this club with you. I stand beside you knowing how it feels. It's raw and it's real. Don't let anybody tell you how to feel, and take all the time you need to grieve and work through it, know that you are not alone. You are a treasure and a wonder. 

Be gentle with yourself. It's ok to feel however you feel. 

Seek out support (ican.com) and know you are not alone, your feelings are valid, and there's millions of mamas out there just like you. We are proud of you warrior mama. You are beautiful. You are brave. You are strong. You are a wonderful mother.  A wonderful wonderful mother. 

My tandem nursing story.

In order to tell you about my breastfeeding journey I first need to give a bit of a backstory into how my first son was born. Around 30 weeks gestation I became very sick and was put on hospital bed rest. Later I found out I had developed lupus induced preeclampsia. I had no prior knowledge of having lupus (an autoimmune disease) before this time. My sweet baby was born by emergency c-section (I was put under general anesthesia) at 32 weeks gestation weighing only 2 pounds 14 ounces. After his birth he was taken to the nicu and I was unable to be with him because I was very sick. My blood pressure was not coming down and I was placed on magnesium sulfate for 24 hours to try to stabilize me. Lupus induced preeclampsia is one of the most dangerous pregnancy complications and 80% of mothers and babies die. We are miracles!!!! (I did not know this statistic until after my second was born!)

After being on the mag for 24 hours I begged my doctor to take me off so I could goto the nicu! My husband had been doing skin to skin with our baby and he had some fabulous nicu nurses giving him lots of love! Unfortunetly I couldn't make it up to meet my baby until about 2 full days later, I was so sick and weak. On day two I did start pumping my colostrum out for him and he was fed my colostrum through a tube into his tummy! 

After 50 hours of being away from my baby I finally got to meet and hold him! And he was even allowed to try to nurse! He licked my nipple and then laid in between my breasts and fell asleep. It was heaven holding him, and I never wanted to let go. 

As the days went on Oliver was doing very well- I kept pumping and he kept growing off my milk, we began using a nipple shield and allowing him to practice at the breast. Eventually his feeding tube was removed and we did a mix of breastfeeding with the shield and side lying paced bottle feeds of my milk. After only 3 weeks, we took our sweet baby boy home- he weighed 3 pounds 11 ounces the day we brought him home! Breastfeeding was so difficult for me because I was still so sick with my lupus, but I was determined not to give up! I kept pumping and breastfeeding him. Around 8 weeks old I developed mastitis. I decided no more pumping and wanted to just breastfeed! We weaned off the bottles and he became fully breastfed with the nipple shield! Around 4 months old we weaned off the nipple shield and we've never looked back!! 

To me breastfeeding was something I could do for my baby. When my body had failed him in every other way, this was the one thing I had that didn't fail him, this is the one thing we had to make up for lost time. This was our healing.

He continued nursing like a champ well into toddlerhood when mommy became pregnant again (surprise!) I knew I wanted to tandem nurse but had many fears about it! I was worried I would have another preemie, or it would cause a miscarriage, or they baby wouldn't grow. After much research, and reading 'adventures in tandem nursing' I knew that tandem nursing was possible and nursing through a pregnancy would be ok.

I returned to my high risk ob to discuss options such a vbac and nursing in pregnancy. I was told absolutely not! I was told if I continued nursing the baby wouldn't grow! I was told lupus is the scariest disease on earth and I could never vbac! I was called a 'tree hugger' I left the office in sobs. I couldn't wean my baby boy- we worked too hard at it, it was too special to us. And I HAD to give birth. I knew I could give birth!

After much searching I found a hospital with midwives and a high risk ob. They both agreed to share me and work towards helping me vbac! The experience with the midwives was so wonderful and they never put me down for nursing Oliver! They supported it!

Nursing pregnant^

My fabulous IBCLC told me to go gluten free ASAP if I wanted a full term baby. I listened to her and my life changed! I felt SO MUCH BETTER. I took the Bradley method classes and got on the brewers diet. I ate clean and well. I continued nursing. Around 16 weeks my milk dwindled completely away. Nursing was painful anyways but dry nursing was nearly unbearable. We kept at it mainly at night for comfort. Around 23 weeks I began getting drops of colostrum! Oliver kept nursing....

During this time I began school to become a breastfeeding counselor as well.

Fast forward to 30 weeks, 32 weeks, 36 weeks, 39 weeks and I was still feeling good!

I went into labor on my own at 39 weeks and two days! Baby number two was born at 39 weeks 4 days in a completely pain free vbac! It was amazing! He began nursing soon after birth and I thought smooth sailing....

Wrong! He was born with an upper lip tie and posterior tongue tie. Nursing him was a challenge, the hospital LC told me he was fine and we suffered through those first few weeks....

Oliver hated the colostrum and refused to nurse- so I had a baby who couldn't nurse well and my toddler who was refusing, and then my pump broke! It was a rough few weeks! 

Around day 3 when my milk came in Oliver started nursing again and kept my supply up since Finley had such a hard time nursing. After Finn had his tongue and lip revised around 4 weeks old nursing was much better! 

We made it!!! We are tandem nursing! It's so sweet when they nurse together and hold hands or giggle together. I live for these moments, they fill my heart and it overflows. Oliver is now 4 years old and the baby (Finley) is 19 months old. They are both still nursing machines! We all look forward to our nursing times and all the cuddles! Oliver will often hug his brother and tell him thank you for bringing me all the milk when you were born. It is so sweet. Tandem nursing defiantly has had it's challenges but all in all it's such a sweet precious time and I love the bond it's created between my boys, I often call them my twins. I hope as they grow up they will look back on tandem nursing together with very fond memories. I know I will! 

I don't foresee the boys weaning anytime soon as they both nurse several times a day, and the baby is still night nursing too. I share my story to show others that full term nursing is normal and beautiful. I hope that we can one day live in a world where full term nursing is looked at as such. 

Follow me on Instagram @olipopsmom 

The Beauty of Winter

In winters past, I remember dreading the gloomy grey days filled with cold, snow, and slush. Winter seemed never ending and I remember longing for spring and warmer days. I don't know quite what has hit me, but the more I tune in with nature the more I love the natural changing seasons. I have always found snow beautiful and now I am appriciating even the gloomiest of winter days.

There is such a stillness to winter. A calm. If you listen closely you can hear her whispering her beauty and surrounding you with it. Be still, breathe, anticipate. Breathe in winters beauty while she's still here. Bundle up and go outside. Search her out, ask her to consume you and show you the beauty she has to offer you. Winter is refreshing.

One of my favorite parts of winter is going outside with my boys and exploring. Their little noses get all red, hands cold as ice. They trudge along in their snow boots picking up sticks or leaves along the way. Exploring anything they can find sticking out of the snow.

And then when we feel we can't bear to stay outside a moments longer we retreat to our warm house and the boys snuggle in for a nursing. Their icy little hands and cold little noses pressed against me. And I smile, and I know I will miss this. Just like winter turns to spring and spring turns to summer, my babies are no longer babies. I have a toddler and a preschooler, and when I blink they will be 15 and 17 and I will think back fondly of all the beautiful winters I shared with them. All the winters where it took us 30 minutes to leave the house only to come back in 10 minutes later because they got too cold. All the winters where they begged to get outside only to want to lay in the snow and make snow angels until they were frozen. All of the winters we snuggled up together to keep warm and sip on hot cocoa together.  Too soon winter will be over for this year, and the boys will be all grown up.

Try to see the beauty in everything, time is so precious and it moves so fast. Instead of wishing for spring, appreciate the season you are in right now. Find the beauty. There is always beauty.

New Years 'Resolution'

Words from Mama Brittany:

I'm not one to do news years resolutions, but this year I decided I wanted to do something! I decided I wanted to get outside every day, not just going out to the car or for appointments. I wanted to get outside daily with the intent of being outside, exploring nature, breathing in the fresh air, and having fun! I live in the central north east, so we have some pretty chilly winters! So far I've been getting outside even if only to feel what -30 F feels like! Yes it was -30 F here a few days in a row with the wind chills from the polar vortex.

Four years ago when I was diagnosed with lupus life was hard. I felt really sick everyday and even minor things (like getting dressed) were challenging. I have come so far since then, and continue to heal more each day. I remember taking a walk with Oliver when he was a baby and I was struggling to keep going because I was so exhausted, I just wanted to be healed. I came to a shady spot on the path and I heard that still small voice say 'you will find your healing through nature' at the time I was like 'what the heck does that even mean!?' But I've realized it's a journey, and the more I go down this rabbit hole the more I'm learning, and the more I'm amazed. I absolutely love nature, it's so beautiful and it is so healing. If God made the earth with everything we needed to live and survive- even thrive, then anything we truly need is already here for us, we just need to do a good job of taking care of the earth, she's such a beautiful gift.

As a mother of boys, they have a genuine need to get outside. My boys have tons of toys and do you know what they play with the most? Sticks, rocks, and pine cones that we collect on our walks! I've found getting outside more is better for all of our moods too and helps them eat and sleep better too!  Humans were meant to be outside more- the fresh air is so good for all of us!!

So here's my challenge to you! Get outside everyday! Explore, have fun, and let nature heal you! It used to be and still is very common in other cultures to spend a majority of time outdoors, no matter what the weather! So join me and Nelly as we embark on this new year and new challenge to get outside more!

Follow us on Instagram: twomaidsamilkin and hashtag #365daysoutside

The blissful birth of Finley Boone

Well it only took me 10 months! But finally I wrote the beautiful birth of my sweet Finn. For those who have been with me on my journey you know I have lupus and that my first birth was an emergency c-section at 32 weeks. So here is my VBAC story. (Vaginal birth after cesarean) 

I went to my regular appointment on tuesday June 12th. I was 39 weeks and two days pregnant! I had my NST- (non stress test) and baby looked perfect, I was told I needed to come back friday for another NST and we could talk induction. I then went to my midwives appointment where they said my high risk OB strongly suggested that I schedule induction. I replied 'no thank you' and my midwife wrote that down on paper, we both giggled. I was so confused as to why my baby had expired between 39-40 weeks. Of course it all got blamed on Lupus, which was in fact in remission the entire pregnancy. I also knew that baby was fine and I trusted my gut and was determined to let baby come on his own.

My husband had other ideas, the midwives said for us to go home and try natural remedies. I didn’t feel I needed to try any natural remedies as I trusted in my body and my baby. That doesn’t mean hubby and I didn’t have a little fun though ;-P. I talked to the baby and I said “Baby these people want you to come out, and if you're  ready I would love to meet you and welcome you into our family, but if you're not then I’ll fight for you to come on your own.”

 We ate yummy pad thai for lunch, and just hung out at home. I began having some contractions and I thought to myself, these might be real. In my mind I was in total denial that it was real labor. The surges came about 15 minutes apart, I decided I better rest in case it was true labor. I went to bed only to be woken to surges about every 8 minutes. Every contraction made me have to pee, and poop. I would sleep thru until a surge hit, breathe thru it, and then go to the bathroom. It was all night long ranging from 5-8 minutes. I got online to talk to a few special ladies, Both of them helped me so much, I was able to keep my focus and not freak out, and I was able to rest in between. I let Jacob rest because I knew that if it were real labor I would need him more later, then for this pre labor stuff. 

I also really wanted to be alone, in the still quiet night just Finley and I, allowing my body to prepare him to meet the world. The contractions got down to 2-4 minutes apart. I just wanted to be, to rest, and to breathe. I did my Bradley Method techniques And drank some natural calm around 3 am to see if it would help slow things so I could sleep. By morning I was exhausted, totally worn out and really wanted to sleep. I talked to baby and asked him to settle down a bit so that Mama could get a bit of rest. Things slowed down, way down. The surges then were coming about every 10-15 minutes and then they slowed even more. I talked to my Doula and she said it was probably pre labor to get babe in a nice position for the real thing, we both agreed it could still be longer. I felt peaceful about this. All I wanted to do was sleep, I was so tired. I ate a big lunch and then heated up my rice socks and headed for bed. Jacob gave me a massage and I was able to drift off in between contractions. I woke periodically to the surges but was able to fall back asleep in between. Finally around 5:30pm I woke up, took a shower and had a wonderful dinner. The contractions seemed to have stopped almost all together now and I was thankful! I relaxed throughout the evening and crawled into bed around 10:30pm wednesday night.  I notified my doula that the contractions had pretty much stopped and that I was going to bed.

I cuddled up next to Oliver with a smile on my face knowing that soon he wouldn’t be my one and only, I fell asleep with him in my arms. Around midnight I woke with a wave of intensity. I thought 'oh no here we go again more pre labor.' I was not thinking it was real labor at all, even though it was pretty intense. The contractions came on hard and strong just like tuesday night except they were longer, stronger and closer together. I decided to time them for a bit before I woke Jacob up. They were about 5 minutes apart, then 4 then 3 then 4 then 5.....then they were just rolling. I was in total labor land, I was unable to breathe through quietly and I began getting quite vocal. I was just going totally primal, loving every minute of it. I remember smiling and laughing thinking yes my body is doing this! I rocked on the birth ball at the end of our bed, trying to be quiet since Oliver was sleeping right there. Every contraction I grabbed Jacob’s heel. I felt like I was drawing strength from him. I decided I needed to wake Jacob, I needed his support because I was so tired and I wanted to sleep so bad! By the time Jacob got up it was about 2:30 am. We moved Oliver from our bed to the bed in our guest room with my mom, my mom was so super helpful the entire pregnancy, it was so comforting to know Oliver was in good hands and I could just labor without worrying about him. 

Once Oliver was settled we decided to try a bath to see if that would slow things down, or if indeed this was real.   I always envisioned I would want a water birth, but the moment I got in the tub I wanted out! I hated it, every bit of it. That really surprised me, but thats just how I felt at the time, so after a few contractions we decided to get out of the tub and give my midwife a call- my favorite midwife was on call so I was pretty excited about that. I actually spoke to her on the phone and actually talked with her through a contraction- that was not an easy task, her and I decided to see if the contractions would keep coming every 3 minutes for the next hour, because we didn’t want to show up to the hospital too soon. After that Jacob and I went into our bedroom and Jacob decided 'we’d better call Tina' my doula. My contractions were one on top of the other and Jacob couldn’t even time them because they were just coming and coming.

Jacob spoke on the phone with Tina and I remember thinking “Guys come on this isn’t even real labor yet, I have time....no need to rush things.” But Tina said to Jacob something along the lines of- “if what you're telling me is true, you should goto the hospital now....” I then replied as I giggled “ Is she sure? I’m fine! This is nothing haha” Jacob decided we should go and it was about that moment, about 4 am that I felt some intense pressure and I was like “Oh no! I need to poop!” I was not about to poop as I was pushing the baby out so I decided to try and go before we left for the hospital. I peed and that was it, then in between the waves I tried checking my purse to make sure I had everything, and with that I headed downstairs still in disbelief that this was even real. I looked at the stairs and wondered how I would make it down, I had to hold myself because I felt like Finn was going to fall out! Jacob came and helped me into the living room where I continued singing through every blissful wave. 

Labor was the most fun thing I’ve ever done. Every beautiful wave was more blissful than the next. They were never painful to me, just wonderful and amazing. Every contraction that came I felt the urge to poop more and more. We made it out to the car and I was scared to sit down, afraid I would hurt the baby because that’s how low he felt. We started driving and it was beautiful outside. The night was cool there were stars hanging low over the farms and hills as we drove down the country road. I felt like I was in heaven. It was magical. Contractions were coming every 4 minutes and I honestly felt like I was on a roller coaster ride as we drove. I sang out, I spoke in tongues and I cussed. We made it to the end of the back roads and were headed towards the highway to downtown. The light was green at the moment and I said “If the light turns yellow, you need to run the light” Well the light turned yellow and Jacob stops. “Run the light I said! Run the fucking light!” Jacob was like “I can’t!” to which I replied “ YOU BETTER RUN THIS FUCKING LIGHT NOW!” Don’t mess with a laboring woman who feels like her baby is falling out of her. So he ran the light. 

We got onto the highway heading into the city and I had so much pressure down there, I thought if I emptied my bladder It would help. The only thing in the car was a big mason jar, so I pulled down my pants and sat on this gigantic mason jar. Picture this as your driving to work at 5 am haha! Luckily the highway wasn’t too crowded. I was laughing hysterically by the way because I was seriously naked sitting on a jar trying to pee, all while my husband drives, and yes cars were passing us! 

Well I couldn’t pee in the jar so i decided to pee on a blanket I had brought. I know thats gross but when you're in labor you just don’t care. So I peed on the blanket but the pressure still remained, I still felt like I needed to poop. We approached the hospital and Jacob asked if I wanted to be dropped off. I declined and decided it was 5 am in the city and I didn’t want to be alone. We parked the car and my pants were still down. I got out of the car in the garage butt naked and looked around for the security camera. I was still laughing at this point as the whole thing was quite hilarious! We made it into the hospital and right by the door were the wheelchairs. I declined and we made the long walk down the mile long hallway to the elevators. I stopped probably 100 times. Every contraction I would squat and breathe. It felt so good. We made it to the desk and were sent on the elevators to labor and delivery. We get on the elevator with a man who looked like P. Diddy. Just then a contraction hits! I squat and i’m all like “OOOOOHHHHHHHH, OHHHHHH” Jacob is laughing because this poor guy is stuck in an elevator with this woman in labor, just then P. Diddy looked at Jacob with a smile and said “ It’s alright man, I got three.” Haha we all had a good laugh!

We get up to labor and delivery and we inform the incompetent woman behind the counter that we are here to meet my midwife and that my midwife is waiting for me. (The whole check in was already taken care of since I was with the midwives) BUT this woman still made us check in. I seriously wanted to die because I didn’t want to go through the long check in process.

 I decided to go to the bathroom and try to poop again. Nothing happened but I labored on the toilet hoping Jacob could just check us in quickly and it would be over when I came out. No such luck, so I got on the floor of the office and labored while she asked me ridiculous questions like my address and social security number. Then after that I went to the bathroom again to labor some more, came out and sat in the waiting room with Jacob. It was about 5:30 am and I wondered if all of this was even real. It felt like a dream, I began to worry. Just then I heard a ding from the elevator and around the corner came my doula. It was like an angel floating towards me. I felt so safe and was able to relax, I knew I would be ok now. Tina sat beside me and told me that I 'looked too good.' 

Just then I had a contraction and I squatted. Tina’s sweet calm voice was amazing. “Shoulders down, good Brittany, perfect, thats it.” Right after that contraction my other angel showed up, my midwife. Now I was at total peace because I had my safe people, people who knew me and cared about me. 

We walked back and headed for my room. Turns out there were no rooms. During my pregnancy I prayed and was prayed over that I would give birth like the hebrew woman (who had fast labors) also I prayed I would give birth like Mary to Jesus. When I prayed that I did not mean that there would be no room for me at the inn, but God has quite the sense of humor eh?! So in the hall waiting for my room I announced that I had to goto the bathroom...again. I was determined to poop this time, this was my last attempt to poop before labor! So I went in the bathroom in the hallway and sat on the toilet. Then I had a contraction but this time my whole body takes over something crazy and I start pushing and let out the loudest grunt/roar. My midwife and doula were right outside the door and both of them shouted “Open the door Brittany!!!!” The contraction stopped, the feeling stopped and I got up with my pants down laughing and not knowing what to do I opened the door that way and say “why can’t I push? I can’t help it!” My midwife said “ You can’t push because your'e on a toilet!” My doula pulled up my pants and we followed my midwife into a triage room. They had one open and my midwife wanted to check to see how dilated I was. Some nurse hooked me up to a monitor and then I laid back and my midwife checked me. Her eyes got big as she exclaimed “ SHE”S 10!!! and he’s coming NOW! His head is right here!” I began clapping and laughing and I said “I don’t have to have another C-section?!?” My midwife said “Not today!” WOO HOO! She then asked me if I wanted to give birth in the triage room or a real room, I wanted the room with the view so they wheeled me down the hallway and asked me how and where I wanted to do it. I decided I’d get on the hospital bed, which I wouldn’t let anyone help me. I am very stubborn and like to do things myself and it’s rare I ask for help, even in labor apparently. 

I got on the bed on hands and knees and stayed that way for one contraction, I didn’t like it and decided I wanted to squat. So I put the back of the bed all the way up and got into a nice squat. It felt so good, so natural. The room had big beautiful windows over my city, my beloved city.I decided to take my shirt off so that Finn could be born and come right to my bare chest so he could breastfeed right away. The sun was rising and I honesty felt like I was in Africa somewhere in a field or on a mountain top just squatting my baby out with the sunrise. It was truly magnificent. I asked my doula and midwife if I was doing this right? If I was ok? They told me I was doing so great, I was so calm and relaxed. I was at total peace. I pushed for about 20 minutes when my midwife asked if my water had broke? It hadn't so she broke it and I’m pretty sure the next contraction is when Finn was born.

 I don’t remember any pain, pressure yes but I was so relaxed. The ring of fire was not a big deal, I felt it but it didn’t bother me. I tore a bit but it wasn’t bad. I pushed 4 times to get Finn out on that last contraction. I pushed 3 pushes for his head and then one more for his body. Finn was born at 6:42 on June 14th! (About a 36 hour labor- 6 hour active) My midwife was very hands off except to catch him and bring him right onto me. I was the one who held my baby first, I held him right on my chest while we left his cord pulsating. He began nursing right away and knew just what to do. It was such a precious moment, he was so little even though he weighed double what Oliver did! (6.5 pounds and 20 inches) My baby was here, and healthy and wonderful. I did it! I VBAC’d!

This was a dream of mine for so long! It happened and it was the most wonderful blissful amazing experience of my life. I can honestly say I had a pain free labor and birth. I got to give my baby the gift of labor and natural child birth. No drugs, no interventions, not even an I.V. or anything! Total free birth in a hospital. No vaccines, no eyedrops, no circumcision. Just birthing my sweet perfect baby boy into the world and into my arms. I thought my VBAC would suddenly heal me but I realized it wasn’t the VBAC that healed me. It was the journey. The mothers I met, the friends I made, the wonderful woman who believed in me and my body. The doctors, the midwives, the doulas, the placenta lady, the Mama’s, you, all of you. I am so proud to be in this Mama club.

 Since my VBAC I see the beauty in both births. Both were beautiful in their own ways and I am thankful for each, my heart is full. If you have a dream, even if it looks impossible, even if everyone tells you you can’t. You can. If A little Lupus Mama can go full term, no flares, no health problems, and push a baby out of her freaking Va jay jay. You my friend can move mountains! After I had him I proclaimed “ I just pushed a baby out of my vagina!” To which my husband replied “ You did Babe, your a rock star!” 

Rock on Mama’s!

Why YOU ARE a wonderful mother

Okay, Okay. I know you’re all probably wondering why I’m making my come back blog about this? I can hear you all through your computers (and iPhones) saying Whoa Brittany, what about that VBAC birth story we have been waiting to hear for oh gee the last 9 months? The Birth Story will come, but I seriously feel the need to blog about this specific topic as it’s something I (and lots of my friends) have been struggling with lately as Mommies. 

These days the culture of Pinterest, Facebook, and Instagram are screaming at us saying  “Look at me! Look what *I* do with my kids! Look how pretty *MY* life is, Look at all the crafts, and parks, and playdates, and activities *I* do with my kids!” 

Letting My babe cook! At least for the picture!

The problem with this is it makes all the other mothers out there feel like crap. I know when I see some of this i’m like “Wow, Ummm I kept my kids alive today? Does *that* count for something?!? With all this in your face, it’s no wonder other mamas feel like failures. I see a mom post herself painting with her kids and I’m like “Damn gotta break out the paint- what a freaking mess this is going to be!” Now it’s not that I don’t paint with my kids, because we do, and it’s not about not sharing your mothering journey with the rest of the world. But the problem lies within the comparisons. The seeing what others mothers do and feeling like you don’t measure up, like your not a good enough mom. I get that. I feel that.  And those moms who are posting all the “good” pictures, they feel it too. Our grandmothers and mothers didn’t have these pressures, Heck our grandmas probably didn’t work, and gramps probably made plenty for her to stay home and raise the kids. Our mothers even may have stayed home or worked, but regardless our moms didn’t have the pressures of the internet. Our moms probably had her little circle of real life friends and although may have compared herself to them, sure didn’t have thousands of other woman she was comparing herself too.

Baby playing...house probably messy just not in the pic!

I feel like it’s turned into a competition. How am I doing? Am I a better mother than her? Is she a better mother than me? Now whether anyone is willing to admit that, thats another story. But here I am waving both hands in the air saying “I do it too.” Yup how’s that for authenticity. I see photos on Instagram and Facebook and see what other moms are doing with their kids and I feel like I simply don’t measure up. Here I am a mom of two, trudging through this thing called motherhood wondering most days if I’m even doing it right and wondering why the hospital didn’t hand me a manual when I took my firstborn home.

I know a lot of people think I’ve got it all together. People see me tandem nursing and say “WOW you are super MOM!” What you don’t see dear friends is that I am a part time stay at home mom/ part time trying to work and make money mom/ and putting myself through school. I have a 3 year old doesn’t nap nor is he big on sleep and a 9 month old who is currently getting 4 teeth at once. I am tired, I am worn thin, and most days it’s all I can do to feed them and keep them happy until my husband gets home from work. Sure I post pictures of my sweethearts all lovey dovey and it looks and appears that my life is just perfection. But what you don’t see Instagrammers is the huge pile of :insert any amount of crap: I shove off to the side so my house looks clean for that picture! OR that I bribe my 3 year old with chocolate so he will smile sweetly for a cute picture, OR well you get it! 

There are times the boys do smile without chocolate and there are days when yes my house is clean and beautiful,I craft with the boys, I make dinner, I go to the store, I take the kids to the park, I do the laundry and I AM super mom! BUT there are also days there are crumbs on the floor, dishes not only piled high in the sink, but overtaking the counters, and laundry lets not even go there (can we say smell test?) 

The point I want to get across to you Mamas is this: Facebook and Instagram are not the whole picture. Sure there are wonderful moments and times we take pictures and it’s real, I mean it’s all real but its not always all pretty.

So the next time you see that mom posting all those fabulous pics and you think she’s got it all together, chances are she probably doesn’t. And thats ok. It’s ok we don’t have it all together. It’s ok our houses are messy and we haven't had a shower in 3 days. It’s ok that the baby has lunch crusted on his face and is wearing his pajamas all day. It’s hard to be a mother in this day and age. We are all doing the best we can. We are all wonderful. I’m just here to tell you that ITS OK. Your doing OK, You are doing a great job, you ARE a wonderful mother. hugs! 

There is a mess on my couch that I so cleverly sat on for the pic!